how you wonder who you'll be


profile

Priscilla. A writer, a psychologist wannabe, a student. Hopeless romantic. Pisces. Content.

"The thing to remember is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.” - Katie Bates

tagboard

friends
Thania
Amanda
Girldetective85
Cha-cha
Clodd
Margareth
Stella
Sarah
Katie
Yuni
Agung
Cyn-cyn

thanks
© * étoile filante
inspiration/colours: mintyapple
icons: cablelines
reference: x / x

past
May 2006
June 2006
August 2006
October 2006
November 2006
July 2007
July 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
May 2010
title: Looking Back
date: Wednesday, December 31, 2008
time:10:27 PM
So, 2009 is coming in just TWO hours for me, and I can’t help but feel a bit reflective.

This year, I:
- Had one of the best birthdays of my life.
- Said goodbye to two important parts of my life: my best friend and my dog.
- Prepared for the life-changing moment that is college application.
- Had one short-story published.
- Lost a writing competition and entered another one.
- Realized that first impressions are hardly ever right, and found good friends in those I’ve overlooked before.
- Wrote a pairing I never thought I would write in HPFF and actually did it well.
- Discovered that, to some, boyfriends are more important than best friends. Oh well.
- Have yet to fall in love again. Crushes, yes. Love, no.
- Had my first slumber party, one that was filled with tears and memories.
- Tittered at the edge of depression, but got out in the nick of time.
- Began to really, really, contemplate and decide what I want for my future.
- Learned that, whatever waits at the end of the road, I have to want to get there.
- Became more patient with my grandma. I don’t lose my temper with her as much now.

In short, 2008 has been one of the most exciting, chaotic, and insane years of my life. I survived it all, and I have grown. I like to think I’m a better person than I was, but it’s still going to be a while until I’m even half the person I want to be. =P

I haven’t written my list of resolutions yet. I have the rough draft in my head, but I’m still trying to make it more do-able. Otherwise it would be just like any other year, and I don’t want that. 2009 will be different!

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
-The Calling, Our Lives

Labels: , ,



comment? / top


title: The Beast Within
date: Tuesday, December 30, 2008
time:10:16 PM
There’s a monster living inside me. It stays in the darkest corner of my heart, dormant until it’s time to awake. Like a Dementor, it feeds on negative emotions: anger, jealousy, sadness. Everyone has one, I know, but lately mine has been out of control.

It’s eating me alive. It’s putting dark thoughts in my head, making me feel worthless, unloved, pushing and pulling until I fall apart. I try not to listen to it, I try to think of better things, but sometimes there’s nothing I could do but succumb to it. I hide it well; no one see it unless I let myself break in front of them. My friends think I’m the positive one, the one who’s always so pulled together and calm. When my grades fall apart, my parents think I just don’t work hard enough. Even when I told them about it, they didn’t believe me. They want me to put it in a box and lock it away while I’m studying. They don’t seem to want to understand, and I’m so tired of trying to explain it.

I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I could see my Dementor’s face sometimes. Bloodshot eyes, glaring icily; grim lips, set in a frown forever; silent sobs swallowed in her throats and venomous thoughts running in her mind. It’s me on my worst state. It’s a part of me only few ever saw, and even fewer understand. Lately it’s been floating up to the surface more and more, making me think of the most horrible thoughts: You’re not good enough. You’ll never make it. No one loves you. You can disappear forever and no one will notice. No one cares.

Writing has been my sanctuary. It heals a part of the pain, but not entirely.


You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone
- Taylor Swift, Tied Together with a Smile

Labels: , , ,



comment? / top


title: Meet Tipsy
date: Monday, December 29, 2008
time:3:25 PM
When I turned seventeen and my dog, Lassie (who is actually a male), turned twelve, I knew the end was creeping around the corner. He was getting old; by this point, he was half-blind because cataract, and had to limp around the house because of his rheumatic. Yet he still welcomed us excitedly when we got home, and when he looked at me with those sad, brown eyes, he looked like he could really see through me. We wanted to take him to the vet, but for whatever reason, never got around to it. I was worried that he would die when I wasn’t around, and that was exactly what happened.

I cried a bit when I was told he had died. If you never had a pet, you wouldn’t know how heartbreaking it is to lose one, especially one that had been a part of the family for twelve years. I don’t think any of us was eager to replace him.

Two months later, a friend of Dad’s, who have heard about our loss, came and gave us a puppy. This one isn’t a street dog like my Lassie was. She’s a pitbull puppy, with light brown fur and grayish blue eyes. The tip of her tail and all four of his legs are white, so we called her Tipsy.

Tipsy, hiding under the ironing table

Unlike Lassie, who was sweet-natured and a bit timid, this little one is energetic and playful. Not satisfied with pats and caresses, she wants us to play with her. She demands attention; if you ignore her, she’ll bark. If she likes you, she’ll try to bite your shoes or your jeans, trying to get you to play with her. As a result, our sandals, pants (including my favourite pajamas pants, which I made and had since I was twelve), and bags have her bite mark all over them. She's careful not to bite body parts, but that doesn't mean she doesn't bite them. Dad's toes are one of her favorite chew toys.


It's infuriating sometimes, when she refuses to let go of your leg no matter what you do (she's stubborn, won't take not for an answer, and fat enough to make it difficult for me to lift her up). But other times she could be so amusing, like the time she slipped repeatedly on the wet floor, or whenever you hit her butt so she stops biting and she gave you this 'what? what did I do?' look.


Is this what parenting feels like? I seriously hope not.

Labels: ,



comment? / top


title: Huffing and Puffing All the Way Up
date: Sunday, December 28, 2008
time:4:12 PM
Here’s my idea of the perfect weekend: I get up a bit late and spend the entire day by relaxing with a perfect book and writing/reading on my computer at home.

Here’s my dad’s: Get up way early in the morning, drive to a nearby mountain, and hike up.

So this morning, I got up before the sun did, bathed with my eyes half-closed, and got on the car for a three hour drive to Kelud Mountain, Kediri. I slept for most of the trip, accidentally banged my head against the window every time we hit a bump in the road. It wasn’t the smoothest ride, and I was aching all over when we finally arrived.

The fog was thick and the wind was blowing, so we put on our jackets and sneakers and began the journey. I learned that you can’t actually climb the mountain, since it is an active volcano, but you can walk down a path to get close enough to the feet of the mountain. At first, it was easy. The path was smooth and straight and it wasn’t too cold. Then we had to walk across a pitch black tunnel (I finally figured out why my dad insisted on bringing a flashlight), and then the difficult part began.

There’s a spot they called ‘the scenery post’, where you can see the volcano in its full glory from the top. But to get there, you would have to climb the stairs. 500 of them, more or less. The stairs weren’t made to be comfortable either; they were tall and narrow and the handle was all rusty. I had to stop several times to catch my breath, while my father happily snapped a few pics of us everytime he found a good spot. My sister had it worse though. She seemed to struggle more than I did, and refused to budge for several minutes by the time we got to the top.

Aside from the much-needed exercise, the journey up those stairs was actually useless. By the time we were halfway up, the mountain and world beneath me was wrapped in a dense, gray fog, as if we had climbed up those stairs right through the clouds. It was beautiful, in a scary way.

We took several more pictures at the post before we began the trip down those stairs again. Halfway down, rain began to fall. Luckily, it wasn’t too heavy, so we could continue on our way without getting soaked. But it was cold, and I was tired and having mood swings, so I got a bit cranky. Knowing my parents wouldn’t accept the attitude, I sucked it up and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. That helped, somewhat, and before I knew it, I was at the bottom of the stairs and the fog was gone.

Exhausted and aching, I would have loved to go back to the car and go home. But it wasn’t over yet. We had to go down yet another flight of stairs to see the mountain up, close, and personal. Well, not that close, but close enough to see the small mountain that formed inside of the original mountain’s dome. My dad tried to explain how it happened, but my brain tuned out any information other than the fact that my ankles were aching and that I needed to sit. We took more pics, and finally, FINALLY, we went back to the car.

It’s strange that the older I get, the weaker I seem to become. I’ve gone hiking with my family numerous times, starting when I was little. Mom said Dad used to carry me on his back when I got tired, but when I was eight or nine, I was able to make it on my own, carrying a small bag pack. I remember not being this tired, even feeling rather triumphant when I reached the top. I still feel a bit triumphant now, but the exhaustion beats it out everytime.

I wanna be a kid again. T.T

Labels: , , ,



comment? / top


title: Well...
date: Saturday, December 27, 2008
time:11:21 AM
I was thinking to delete this blog, but I guess I still need a place to vent. So this blog lives on.

This might have to be one of my new year resolutions though, keeping up with blogs and my journal. I need to make writing a daily thing. But then again, the same goes for studying. *sighs* So much to do, so little time.


comment? / top