Moment #1

I knew that indonesian was offered as a subject here in Australia, but I never thought I'd know anyone who actually learned it. Then Jess - one of my PW friends - went on msn "gah, I need to do an essay in Indo" and I was like 0_0. And it turned out she's been taking Indonesian since grade 3! She's in grade 12! O_O

Moment #2:

Just when I thought a certain friend *coughmargarethcough* had forgotten about me, she texted me in the middle of the night to say happy belated birthday. Two weeks late, but I was still happy anyway.

Moment #3:

Been home alone for almost a week, and strangely enough I'm enjoying it. I like doing things at my own pace, it turns out. Except for the part where Dixon starts talking about ghosts. *glares* Oh, and the chores part.

Moment #4:

Whenever I get to chat on msn with thania, mag, nit, feli, chel and stella. Or any other good friends from high school really. Sometimes it's like we're still talking everyday. True we have to catch up on the topics, but it's great when you just fall into place together.

Labels: melbourne, thoughts

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It's not all fun and games.

Hell no. This is fast track after all. We do a year worth of work in eight months. We juggle 3 essays, a drama performance, and a presentation. Some do it like a pro, and others (like me) flail and moan and proscrastinate and go into panics, but pull through anyway. At least, I hope I'll pull through. Sometimes it feels like swimming through an ocean; one day you've got your head above water and the current's not dragging you down, but other times you kick and fight to keep from drowning.

Yes, I like the classes. The lessons still hold my attention and I don't dread school. But assignments? They're an entirely different story.

I have a terrible habit of lying back once I've got good scores, and I know it. Which is why I'm trying to keep myself on track, making sure I don't rely on those scores I've already got. They only count for 35% at most after all, and I'm aware of it. I just have to find my drive again, and I think I know what it is.

This time I'm fighting for myself.

This time this is for me. Sure, I'd like to make my family proud and show that being here, the second option, is not a mistake. That I can be in a place so completely new and not fall apart like a porcelain doll. That I'm not a baby. But above all I want it for me. I want to get into Psychology. I want to be here. And I want to pass with flying colours.

I just have to tell myself that all the time.

Labels: thoughts, Trinity

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'Love and fear. Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other' - Joseph Joubert

There's a very good reason why I'm not in a rush to go home.

Why is it that everytime I think of my own dad, it's often the latter that takes over me? I think over everything I say before I say it outloud because I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way and the simple chat would turn into something disastrous. I constantly second guess myself. Would this be good enough? Would he approve? If I say this or do that, would I be good enough? I don't say what I feel because he doesn't understand, never did, and I'm tired of trying. Tired of him lecturing when all I need is a laugh or a bit of consoling. So now I don't talk. Not to him, not to someone who reminds me of him, and not to those I don't know well. Hell, even my best friends don't know everything.

The only reason I'd cry here is because of home, but not because of homesickness. I wonder if part of me being happy here is because I'm far from home. News from home don't always soothe me; they worry me more often than not. I feel so much older than eighteen sometimes, and I hate it. I know I'm strong, but not always, and I don't always want to be.

I spoke to Linda - my host mum - about how I'm constantly worrying about how he'd react to whatever I tell him, and she said, "I'd think you're self-possessed enough to not let your dad get to you."

I wish.

Don't get me wrong. I love my dad like every child would. He works hard for us, he makes sure we're well taken care of, and he loves us. But like most children, we don't have the best relationship. I just want to feel like I'm good enough. I don't want to feel like a damn disappointment every other day. That's not too much to ask, is it?

"I'm just saying parents screw up. It's what they're good at. They do." - Tibby, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Labels: angst, family, thoughts

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Essays: piling. Exams: coming. I'm keeping my head above water, but it's a struggle.

Missing my besties like hell. I wanna go home in July just to see them!

Trying to figure out what I really feel about some things and some people.

Have too many thoughts I can't put into a blog.

Labels: thoughts

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"I am as you see me. I can be as light as a breeze or strong as a gale, it depends on when and how you see me pass." - Clarice Lispector

I've been called an independent, intelligent young woman. And yet others make me feel like I'm a dull little girl.

People who don't know me think I'm way too quiet, but I can talk and talk and talk to those I'm comfortable with.

My new friends seem to think I'm a genius, top of my class and everything. Which made me laugh, hard. I take notes, listen in class and everything that comes with the good girl package, but I've never been the girl with the highest mark in everything. Maybe that's why I work hard.

Interesting isn't it, to see what kind of impressions you made on some people? Sometimes I wonder which ones are true, which ones are just part of the mask.

Labels: thoughts

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So, 2009 is coming in just TWO hours for me, and I can’t help but feel a bit reflective.

This year, I:
- Had one of the best birthdays of my life.
- Said goodbye to two important parts of my life: my best friend and my dog.
- Prepared for the life-changing moment that is college application.
- Had one short-story published.
- Lost a writing competition and entered another one.
- Realized that first impressions are hardly ever right, and found good friends in those I’ve overlooked before.
- Wrote a pairing I never thought I would write in HPFF and actually did it well.
- Discovered that, to some, boyfriends are more important than best friends. Oh well.
- Have yet to fall in love again. Crushes, yes. Love, no.
- Had my first slumber party, one that was filled with tears and memories.
- Tittered at the edge of depression, but got out in the nick of time.
- Began to really, really, contemplate and decide what I want for my future.
- Learned that, whatever waits at the end of the road, I have to want to get there.
- Became more patient with my grandma. I don’t lose my temper with her as much now.

In short, 2008 has been one of the most exciting, chaotic, and insane years of my life. I survived it all, and I have grown. I like to think I’m a better person than I was, but it’s still going to be a while until I’m even half the person I want to be. =P

I haven’t written my list of resolutions yet. I have the rough draft in my head, but I’m still trying to make it more do-able. Otherwise it would be just like any other year, and I don’t want that. 2009 will be different!

Labels: 2008, reflection, thoughts

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There’s a monster living inside me. It stays in the darkest corner of my heart, dormant until it’s time to awake. Like a Dementor, it feeds on negative emotions: anger, jealousy, sadness. Everyone has one, I know, but lately mine has been out of control.

It’s eating me alive. It’s putting dark thoughts in my head, making me feel worthless, unloved, pushing and pulling until I fall apart. I try not to listen to it, I try to think of better things, but sometimes there’s nothing I could do but succumb to it. I hide it well; no one see it unless I let myself break in front of them. My friends think I’m the positive one, the one who’s always so pulled together and calm. When my grades fall apart, my parents think I just don’t work hard enough. Even when I told them about it, they didn’t believe me. They want me to put it in a box and lock it away while I’m studying. They don’t seem to want to understand, and I’m so tired of trying to explain it.

I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I could see my Dementor’s face sometimes. Bloodshot eyes, glaring icily; grim lips, set in a frown forever; silent sobs swallowed in her throats and venomous thoughts running in her mind. It’s me on my worst state. It’s a part of me only few ever saw, and even fewer understand. Lately it’s been floating up to the surface more and more, making me think of the most horrible thoughts: You’re not good enough. You’ll never make it. No one loves you. You can disappear forever and no one will notice. No one cares.

Writing has been my sanctuary. It heals a part of the pain, but not entirely.

Labels: angst, family, friends, thoughts

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