
Priscilla. A writer, a psychologist wannabe, a student. Hopeless romantic. Pisces. Content.
"The thing to remember is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.” - Katie Bates

title: and the reason is you 'Love and fear. Everything the father of a family says must inspire one or the other' - Joseph Joubert There's a very good reason why I'm not in a rush to go home. Why is it that everytime I think of my own dad, it's often the latter that takes over me? I think over everything I say before I say it outloud because I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way and the simple chat would turn into something disastrous. I constantly second guess myself. Would this be good enough? Would he approve? If I say this or do that, would I be good enough? I don't say what I feel because he doesn't understand, never did, and I'm tired of trying. Tired of him lecturing when all I need is a laugh or a bit of consoling. So now I don't talk. Not to him, not to someone who reminds me of him, and not to those I don't know well. Hell, even my best friends don't know everything. The only reason I'd cry here is because of home, but not because of homesickness. I wonder if part of me being happy here is because I'm far from home. News from home don't always soothe me; they worry me more often than not. I feel so much older than eighteen sometimes, and I hate it. I know I'm strong, but not always, and I don't always want to be. I spoke to Linda - my host mum - about how I'm constantly worrying about how he'd react to whatever I tell him, and she said, "I'd think you're self-possessed enough to not let your dad get to you." I wish. Don't get me wrong. I love my dad like every child would. He works hard for us, he makes sure we're well taken care of, and he loves us. But like most children, we don't have the best relationship. I just want to feel like I'm good enough. I don't want to feel like a damn disappointment every other day. That's not too much to ask, is it? "I'm just saying parents screw up. It's what they're good at. They do." - Tibby, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Labels: angst, family, thoughts |
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title: A Long Weekend So Melbourne's got a holiday for the Melbourne Cup, aka horse racing. How awesome is that? I have zero interest in horse races, but it's fun to see people wearing fancy clothes - girls with their dresses and hats and guys in sharp suits. And they were on the trams and trains too. XD
Most importantly though, I get Monday and Tuesday off. Just in time for a busy week too: I've got a Media and Communication assignment, Lit test, and Math practice test (meaning the mark doesn't count toward our final grade). Don't forget the History of Idea essay had just been announced as well. I'm slightly nervous, because this means school is really kicking into gear. I've seen relatives and housemate suffering under the final exams stress, I just hope my time won't come just yet. Speaking of relatives, I hung out with cousins and niece last Saturday. It was nice; their being here is one of the reasons I'm not crying my eyes out for home. Still, I didn't say much. I am quiet by default, I'll admit that. But I can be talkative. Those who are closest to me will tell you that. So I'm guessing I'm not that comfortable around them just yet. Sunday was spent hanging with friends. Had to get up earlier than my normal hour on weekend to go to St. Kilda's beach with a quarter of the intake. Not really worth it. Too windy, boring, nothing special. But afterwards, my friends and I headed back to the city and had Hungry Jack for lunch. Nothing like a good burger on a Sunday I guess. And the day got better when we went to Harbour Town, a nice shopping center at Dockland. Diana seemed very happy, and it was fun. The boys seemed to enjoy it too, though I think Dixon looked a bit bored. =P We might go back again one day, because the shops were getting ready to close down by the time we got there, and Candy didn't come with us. Today was spent a bit more... productively, I guess. Went to the library with the gang to study, and actually did some studying. So proud of myself about that. :) The day went downhill after that, when I'm stuck in a gathering where everyone speaks a language I don't understand. If I had known, I wouldnt' have gone. It was just uncomfortable and unpleasant, feeling very much left out, even though they didn't intend to do it. But the day ended on a good note, having dinner in a Chinese restaurant with my friends, sharing food and joking. Candy said it reminded her of her home (in a good sense, not in a I'm-suddenly-homesick kind of way), and I kinda felt the same. Tomorrow, Melbourne Cup's day, will be spent revising. That's the plan anyway, and I do want to stick to it. Wish me luck! Labels: family, food, friends, melbourne, Trinity |
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title: Catching Up So... Been very busy. Not busy as in "oh God, I have absolutely no time to relax" busy, but life has been very eventful.
Sunday: Officially graduated high school. It was a good feeling, though there was nothing to celebrate. I mean, you must graduate. It's not an achievement. But still, it felt good. Oh, and went to Suramadu in the morning. You'd think it was the Golden Gate by the way people lined up to cross it. There must have been at least a hundred motorcycle there. And it's just a bridge. Monday: Checked out my national exams grades. It was okay. Not good, not bad, totally average. Huh. Also went out with my sis to Sutos. Ate at Frankfurter Hotdog, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite eating spots. I love the sausages. =D My sister has all the pics. Tuesday: Hung out with Michelle and Anita at GM. FUN! ![]() ![]()
Today: I'm supposed to go to Alfalink to take care of stuffs, but I have to wait because the AC is going to be repaired today and the people who have to repair has yet to come. Gahh. Labels: family, food, friends, school |
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title: Back (to real life) School starts tomorrow.
Huh. Actually studied on the train ride yesterday, though it might not be a good idea to study with your headset on and a screaming kid across the aisle. Still, I got some studying done, so it was better than nothing. Grandma is driving me crazy!!! This is one of the reasons why I don't look forward to being back here, and why I want to graduate and move across the ocean as soon as possible. I'm so sick of being bossed around and treated like a kid. Why can't I have those grandmas who cook brownies and remember how old you actually are and don't make snide, annoying comments while you're watching your favorite shows (When AI is on and she sees Randy, she'll go, "Is that an earring? Tsk." Bla bla bla bla. This happens almost everytime AI is on.). Not to be disrespectful, but could you just let me enjoy the show? I try to be nice most of the time, but when you're already in a bad mood, it's hard to bite your tongue and not say something snarky. I'd rant more, but I don't think that would be a good idea, so moving on... I'm officially an artist. Well, not really. I made a gallery in this site and got some feedback. Will work more on it after the national exams are over. Wanna see it? Don't really know if you can without being a member, but here's the link anyway: Dancing in the Storm See you guys in school tomorrow! Labels: family, gallery, home, school |
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title: lollygagging I think it means being lazy. Which is exactly what I am right now. :P
I did study. Though how much actually made it into my brain is to be questioned. :p I've spent most of today's morning online, trying to find a new skin for this blog. Can't find anything I liked though. =/ Anyway, Tipsy strike again. ![]() That's Dad's magazine, a brand new one. He still hasn't come home, so I'm not sure how he'll react. With anger, I'm sure. Gotta go. The folks are home. And I'm hungry. |
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title: Last Day When you look back on times we had
Three years seem to pass in a blink of an eye. All of the sudden it’s the last day of high school. We’ve still got exams before we get to graduations, but this was the last day I study in this class, in this school. My days as a high school kid is numbered, and I’m scared. I’m scared to think about whether or not I’ll get into NUS, whether or not these friends I’ve made are still going to be around when I’m gone, whether or not I’ll be able to survive ‘the real world’. As if this isn’t real. I’m still praying that I get into NUS. I know my chances are slim, and there are people out there who are way way smarter than me, but I owe this to my parents, to myself. I’ve studied harder than I ever have, my parents have worked so hard every day and every night, and I don’t want to let anyone of us down. All these plans we’ve made, I want to live them. Anyway, this wasn’t a bad last day. It was full of laughter, for one. Everyone was taking pictures with just about everyone; I don’t think anyone was that interested in the lessons today. :P *will post pics when I have more time* Some kids (coughstellacough) got a bit emotional when the teachers won’t stop reminding us that this was the last day they will be teaching us, and some kept regretting that we have to leave high school soon. Me? I still don’t feel like this is goodbye. Maybe when they hand the diploma or when I stand in the airport, saying goodbye, that I would start getting emotional. I mean, I’m a crier; I would tear up at sad movies, when Oprah is having a particularly heartfelt scene and I’m feeling all gooey, when I get a horrible grades…. Hell, I even tear up when I watch the first half of HSM 3. But I didn’t shed a single tear when I said goodbye to Feli, not even when everyone else was bawling their eyes out. It wasn’t that I wasn’t upset about it, I guess it’s more that I’ve prepared for the goodbyes long before we actually say it, so long in fact that I didn’t feel the need to cry anymore when it actually happened. Maybe it’s going to be the same when I graduate. I don’t know. The highlights of my high school years: making it into the science class (though it turns out to be much harder than I suspected), getting a spot in the writer’s workshop and then getting my short stories published, my seventeenth birthday, making seventeenth birthday surprises and presents for Michelle, Anita, Feli, and Stella, the first half of eleventh grade – when ignorance was total bliss, choosing colleges and discussing majors with my friends – a discussion that felt like it would never end, studying for the university entrance test – not the actual studying, but the constant support from my wonderful friends, and the day my parents gave their full blessing for my choice of major and gaining their confidence in my ability to write. There are thousands more, little moments and jokes that would always make me smile, but these are my favourites. Hopefully there are more of those where I’m going. Whenever you remember times gone by Labels: family, friends, goodbye, graduation, school |
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title: weekend recap Saturday - went to TP with the girls to celebrate our birthdays (Michelle's, mine, and Anita's). It was a bit weird at first, considering that they all brought their boyfriends - Mag/Hansel, Anita/Tommy, Michelle/Andrew, Jerry/Grace - but it was alright. We ate at XO Suki, watched Pink Panther, and talked a bit. The problem with hanging out in a large group is that you don't get to really talk to one another. You joke, pass the food around, and make small talks, but that's all there is. I'm more of a small-gathering sort of girl, so it was just okay for me.
Took some pics, but they're still in Mag's phone. I'll post them when I get them. Sunday - bathed Mickey. Poor thing was shivering the whole time, but he didn't try to run or bite. He stood quite still until we finished, and then he shook the water all off on us. =P Monday - had an elegant breakfast courtesy of my mom. Omelette, french toast, bacon, she made them all. Then Dad showed me how to cook veggies; first lesson out of many, I suspect. But it was sort of fun. Times with Dad are always fun when he's in a good mood. Anyway, took another quiz today: Your Passion Style. You mix passion with pragmatism Key Traits: open, sensitive, balanced, empathetic, loyal, thoughtful Introspective and self-aware, you have a solid grip on your emotions. Your friends and family consider you "the rock" they can turn to and lean on during tough times. Part of that trust comes from the fact that you always try your best to say what you mean and mean what you say. This is part of your healthy outlook on life, love and work. Hard work is important, but remember to listen to your instinct when it tells you to take a step back and enjoy the quiet moments. There are certain things that you will always be passionate about, whether it's a certain cuisine, a type of music, or a particular sport. On the flipside, there are also things that will never interest you. But that's OK. Your romantic partner appreciates your unwavering sensibility, your balanced temperament, and consistent signs of love and care. No idea how true that is. What do you think? Labels: family, friends, quiz, weekend |
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title: weight off my shoulder These past few days had been hell for me. Heck, it had been hell for everyone. The preparation for the play demanded much more time and energy than I thought and, more than once, I wanted nothing more than to bite someone's head off or crawl under my cover and not wake up. I was this close to be the bitch who would not hesitate tell her sick friend to suck it up and come to practice no matter what. I was tense, short-tempered, panicky, and probably hated (and was hated by) some of my own teammates.
In short, the monster reared its ugly head. But it's all over. We performed this morning; had to wait for almost an hour for the sound guy to arrive (I had no idea if he ever arrived or not, but I still think we paid them for nothing), Margareth had several accidents, and the music was all wrong toward the end (I should've made sure Stella knew her cue), but it turned out pretty okay. Whatever. All that matters is that it's all over now. YAY!! On a lighter note, I'm eighteen now. Doesn't feel that different than being seventeen, but we'll see. ;) I had an okay birthday. Mum cooked the whole day, and we had to go shopping for the ingredients which was pretty fun. Dad was in a good mood the whole weekend too, which is always a good thing, and he cooked too. And I got to eat ice cream both times we went out. I'm happily stuffed.I didn't get any gifts, but it's alright. I can't think of anything I want that you could buy here (though I do have a wish list up on Facebook, but most of them are frivolous things), and my friends are way too busy to put together something special, so I totally understand. =) Mum said she'd buy me a pair of real earrings, unlike the plastic ones I currently own, and maybe some of the things I might need when I actually leave for uni, wherever that may be. Which reminded me that this might be my last birthday here. *sighs* Oh well, at least it was a good one. Labels: birthday, eighteen, family, food, friends, monster, school |
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title: sick Had to go home from school early yesterday because of a bad stomachache, and then got a fever in the evening. Still sort of feverish this morning, so I'm skipping school today. I should be giving my speech right now, and it's probably a bad idea to stay home since I'd be the last one doing the speech, but I don't think it's a good idea to go with my head still all fuzzy like this.
At least I get to rest. I haven't fully rested since I got home from Jakarta. That's probably why I got sick: I'm exhausted and stressed. In fact, I couldn't sleep yesterday, worrying about the speech, Math test, the play... My brain just wouldn't rest until my mom told me it's okay if I want to stay home today. Then I slept like a rock. Speaking of which, I should enjoy my freedom while it lasts. That is, if you can call being constantly called and nagged by your grandma freedom. Why do I have to be the nice kid - the one she's not afraid of bothering - eh? Gonna go lock myself in my room so my grandmother can't bother me anymore. Gah. |
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title: Blackout There was a torrential downpour yesterday, which unsurprisingly caused a blackout. A SIX HOURS BLACKOUT. Thank God for emergency lights, or we would have sat in the dark for practically the whole night. I was allowed to skip studying, but I would rather study than to sit on the couch, doing nothing.
Well, I didn’t do nothing. The blackout meant the family –me, my sister, my aunt, and my grandma – had to sit together in the family room since there was where the emergency light was, and we started talking. Grandma not so much, but the three of us did. It was not heartfelt or serious, but we laughed a lot. I discussed my novel with my sister. I like doing it with her sometimes, even though she only says, “that’s alright,” or “I don’t like it.” When it’s the latter, she’d point out what she didn’t like in a blunt manner, which makes her one of my harshest critics. Sometimes she gets too annoyed with me for fussing so much over a storyline, but yesterday she was patient enough to listen to me ramble on and on about my characters and their relationships and then offered her thoughts. It’s nice, especially considering the fact that when we were kids we used to bite each other's heads off on a daily basis. =P |
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title: The Beast Within There’s a monster living inside me. It stays in the darkest corner of my heart, dormant until it’s time to awake. Like a Dementor, it feeds on negative emotions: anger, jealousy, sadness. Everyone has one, I know, but lately mine has been out of control.
It’s eating me alive. It’s putting dark thoughts in my head, making me feel worthless, unloved, pushing and pulling until I fall apart. I try not to listen to it, I try to think of better things, but sometimes there’s nothing I could do but succumb to it. I hide it well; no one see it unless I let myself break in front of them. My friends think I’m the positive one, the one who’s always so pulled together and calm. When my grades fall apart, my parents think I just don’t work hard enough. Even when I told them about it, they didn’t believe me. They want me to put it in a box and lock it away while I’m studying. They don’t seem to want to understand, and I’m so tired of trying to explain it. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I could see my Dementor’s face sometimes. Bloodshot eyes, glaring icily; grim lips, set in a frown forever; silent sobs swallowed in her throats and venomous thoughts running in her mind. It’s me on my worst state. It’s a part of me only few ever saw, and even fewer understand. Lately it’s been floating up to the surface more and more, making me think of the most horrible thoughts: You’re not good enough. You’ll never make it. No one loves you. You can disappear forever and no one will notice. No one cares. Writing has been my sanctuary. It heals a part of the pain, but not entirely. You cry, but you don't tell anyone That you might not be the golden one And you're tied together with a smile But you're coming undone - Taylor Swift, Tied Together with a Smile Labels: angst, family, friends, thoughts |
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title: Meet Tipsy When I turned seventeen and my dog, Lassie (who is actually a male), turned twelve, I knew the end was creeping around the corner. He was getting old; by this point, he was half-blind because cataract, and had to limp around the house because of his rheumatic. Yet he still welcomed us excitedly when we got home, and when he looked at me with those sad, brown eyes, he looked like he could really see through me. We wanted to take him to the vet, but for whatever reason, never got around to it. I was worried that he would die when I wasn’t around, and that was exactly what happened. I cried a bit when I was told he had died. If you never had a pet, you wouldn’t know how heartbreaking it is to lose one, especially one that had been a part of the family for twelve years. I don’t think any of us was eager to replace him. Two months later, a friend of Dad’s, who have heard about our loss, came and gave us a puppy. This one isn’t a street dog like my Lassie was. She’s a pitbull puppy, with light brown fur and grayish blue eyes. The tip of her tail and all four of his legs are white, so we called her Tipsy. Tipsy, hiding under the ironing table Unlike Lassie, who was sweet-natured and a bit timid, this little one is energetic and playful. Not satisfied with pats and caresses, she wants us to play with her. She demands attention; if you ignore her, she’ll bark. If she likes you, she’ll try to bite your shoes or your jeans, trying to get you to play with her. As a result, our sandals, pants (including my favourite pajamas pants, which I made and had since I was twelve), and bags have her bite mark all over them. She's careful not to bite body parts, but that doesn't mean she doesn't bite them. Dad's toes are one of her favorite chew toys. It's infuriating sometimes, when she refuses to let go of your leg no matter what you do (she's stubborn, won't take not for an answer, and fat enough to make it difficult for me to lift her up). But other times she could be so amusing, like the time she slipped repeatedly on the wet floor, or whenever you hit her butt so she stops biting and she gave you this 'what? what did I do?' look. Is this what parenting feels like? I seriously hope not. |
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title: Huffing and Puffing All the Way Up Here’s my idea of the perfect weekend: I get up a bit late and spend the entire day by relaxing with a perfect book and writing/reading on my computer at home.
Here’s my dad’s: Get up way early in the morning, drive to a nearby mountain, and hike up. So this morning, I got up before the sun did, bathed with my eyes half-closed, and got on the car for a three hour drive to Kelud Mountain, Kediri. I slept for most of the trip, accidentally banged my head against the window every time we hit a bump in the road. It wasn’t the smoothest ride, and I was aching all over when we finally arrived. The fog was thick and the wind was blowing, so we put on our jackets and sneakers and began the journey. I learned that you can’t actually climb the mountain, since it is an active volcano, but you can walk down a path to get close enough to the feet of the mountain. At first, it was easy. The path was smooth and straight and it wasn’t too cold. Then we had to walk across a pitch black tunnel (I finally figured out why my dad insisted on bringing a flashlight), and then the difficult part began. There’s a spot they called ‘the scenery post’, where you can see the volcano in its full glory from the top. But to get there, you would have to climb the stairs. 500 of them, more or less. The stairs weren’t made to be comfortable either; they were tall and narrow and the handle was all rusty. I had to stop several times to catch my breath, while my father happily snapped a few pics of us everytime he found a good spot. My sister had it worse though. She seemed to struggle more than I did, and refused to budge for several minutes by the time we got to the top. Aside from the much-needed exercise, the journey up those stairs was actually useless. By the time we were halfway up, the mountain and world beneath me was wrapped in a dense, gray fog, as if we had climbed up those stairs right through the clouds. It was beautiful, in a scary way. We took several more pictures at the post before we began the trip down those stairs again. Halfway down, rain began to fall. Luckily, it wasn’t too heavy, so we could continue on our way without getting soaked. But it was cold, and I was tired and having mood swings, so I got a bit cranky. Knowing my parents wouldn’t accept the attitude, I sucked it up and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. That helped, somewhat, and before I knew it, I was at the bottom of the stairs and the fog was gone. Exhausted and aching, I would have loved to go back to the car and go home. But it wasn’t over yet. We had to go down yet another flight of stairs to see the mountain up, close, and personal. Well, not that close, but close enough to see the small mountain that formed inside of the original mountain’s dome. My dad tried to explain how it happened, but my brain tuned out any information other than the fact that my ankles were aching and that I needed to sit. We took more pics, and finally, FINALLY, we went back to the car. It’s strange that the older I get, the weaker I seem to become. I’ve gone hiking with my family numerous times, starting when I was little. Mom said Dad used to carry me on his back when I got tired, but when I was eight or nine, I was able to make it on my own, carrying a small bag pack. I remember not being this tired, even feeling rather triumphant when I reached the top. I still feel a bit triumphant now, but the exhaustion beats it out everytime. I wanna be a kid again. T.T Labels: family, hiking, Kelud, vacation |
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